Toy Gunz = Coolio.

Ooh ha ha some random stuff.


I find the song CANCER by MCR so meaningful. :*(

Sigh, went to visit Grandma again last night, and she ain't getting better. But anyway she can't be getting any better but only head more towards the worst, seeing that she's already a cancer patient in the advanced stage. It's really sad to see her struggle and try to cope with all the pain, and the tumors have grown really huge, so her whole right arm's swelled up. So now she relies heavily on painkillers like Morphine, she can't move about, for every step for her hurts. Sigh, looking at my grandmother, it has to be really hard on her isn't it?
She's so old, yet she still has to bear with all the Chemo, the Jabs, the pain. And she can't cook or walk about like she used to in the past, she's just so.. frail. So weakened, for all the Chemo and everything's drained her.

It seemed so real, yet I can't imagine the pain she's going through.
It seemed like it was still 3 years ago, when we just found out she'd Cancer. She'd kept us in the dark, for fear that she would be a burden to everyone.
When she could stand the pain no more she told my Mum that she was dying from all the pain, and she was in tears by the time they admitted her to the hospital.

5years ago, Grandma would still take *Tyson Kor and me out.
When she would still be so energetic, and have enough energy to take us to the airport, in which we would demand to take the Skytrain from terminal to terminal, then settle for some Macdonalds after that.
When we were still such young kids, running around foolishly in the airport, watching the planes take off.
When Grandma could still reprimand us for not behaving.
When Grandma could still walk about.
Scream at us.
Cook our favourite dinner.
Take us home from school everyday.

It seemed like just yesterday that I could see my grandmother so full of life, and yet today I see her sitting there, her arms in bandages, her hair gone, her body so frail, and her every step so weak. I daren't sit next to her, in case I accidentally knocked onto her would.
I daren't ask her if she was okay, for I might just break down, in front of her.
Even the doctors have said she's really strong for a person her age.

Frankly speaking, Grandma's really putting on a brave front, she's not even letting us see her cry. She would even pretend she needed no assisting in walking, and would rather lean against the wall and slowly make her way to her room. She wouldn't let herself show the pain she was in, downing painkillers like they were an everyday kind of thing.

It's like.. she knows she's not going to be able to live much longer.

Still, it hurts me to see my grandma in pain everytime we visit her.

Cancer by MCR
Turn away
If you could get me a drink
Of water cause my lips are chapped and faded
Call my aunt marie
Help her gather all my things
And bury me
In all my favorite colours,
My sisters and my brothers, still, I will not kiss you,
Cause the hardest part of this,
Is leaving you.

Now turn away,
Cause I'm awful just to see
Cause all my hair's abandoned all my body,
All my agony,
Know that I will never marry,
Baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo,
But counting down the days to go.

It just ain't living
And I just hope you know,
That if you say,
Good-bye today,
I'd ask you to be true,
Cause the hardest part of this,
Is leaving you...
Cause the hardest part of this, Is leaving you...


I want her to be well.
I just wish that I could take all the pain away from You.