Toy Gunz = Coolio.

New year new school new friends new environment.

No volleyball team no boyfriend no in-between-lesson meetings no "Baoyee" "faggot" "seven of us" no chua chor loon no same old people no seven silver buttons no Intergrity no coach, juniors, bitching, laughing. No more, no more the same, no more as usual, it's changed and now it's different.

Yes Nut, the truth's starting to settle in.

How often is often? How is it that we'll be able to make time for each other to "meet up and not lose contact"? How easy, is it not to forget this and that, not to procrastinate, not to come up with excuses to start covering up for all the dates you're missing because you dont want to feel like you're some outsider trying to break the ice and revert back to the same ol' days when these few friends hung out together.

I'm feeling in a mess right now yes I'm online yet appearing offline (yes sorry boyfriend I know you IM-ed me asking if I was there, yet I ignored because I dont feel like talking for shit's sake) and blogging about all the shit in my mind at the moment (this afternoon's meet-up didn't help much, today started going downhill ever since) and my thoughts are spread out all over the place, in pieces and fragments and torn little shreds just as the memories and promises I once thought was worth remembering.

I'd rather stay, I've told myself it's for the better that I'm going yet there's this little voice inside screaming that leaving would mean change and change would mean the growing distance between two people or a person towards a team of friends which were once the bestest.

How would it be to return to school one day, to watch the people train, to see your coach juniors seniors out in the court slugging their hearts out yet not be on court and playing? You'll be part of another team they say but how is it that you'll even make it to the A'Division amidst the much better players?

F- I'm feeling low and low means down so that's how I am yes I have been telling myself I'd definitely choose volleyball as the next CCA but what if it's a one-way thing and nothing comes out of it? A better-off me would have looked at the current Me and shrug this off as being "emo".

Jaime telling me that VJ's actually called her back to go for cross-country training's the wake-up call that's come way too suddenly. I haven't received a single shit about volleyball and me. Paranoia, or just the sudden wave of emotions (envy?). Envious that she's been called back to TRAIN which means it's a guranteed place in the CCA she wants.

Wlao fuck la shumin what is getting to your head.