Toy Gunz = Coolio.

❥
Hasn't it been long.
The days've flown by, months have passed, things've cropped up in between, Love's found itself, and yet break-ups turn apparent. Don't ask me why I'm feeling this, but after a couple of quick glances @certain things I accidentally chanced upon, it seems like nothing's how they used to be. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be "emo" (or so they say), it's much more of thoughts, stood back from afar and observed. I guess it don't mean nothing now, since anyhow you try it all seeps back down the drain.

So the past few days've mainly been only on studying and drowning in notes, revison, notes, homework, notes, tests, and the sort. Maybe a little bit of fun + study dates've been squeezed in a couple o' times, and why not a phonecall till dawn. {:
Seventeen arrived @my doorstep the other day, took a quick flip through the mag (aha! Other than reading notes~) and realised it wasn't so bad after all. Apparently Fergie (!) was featured on an article where she wrote herself a letter to her when she was seventeen, so..............
Why not a letter to me, when we were young and naive and lied to ourselves all day.


Dear (Shumin),
Whoa for a girl at thirteen, I gotta say that's a really hideous hair-do you've got on. The spectacles (then) don't seem to improve anything, and what is with that short-skirt-cum-shirt-tucked-in look that's you've gone for? D:
At thirteen, you enter school, meet the new kids, make some new friends, earn a couple of "Best(s)", do the wrong stuff, and the next thing you know you're highly critisised and "Bitch"'s hanging off the corner of everybody's mouth when they talk about you.
So you don't care, you think you've fallen for some guy and you get together with him. Months pass and things get heated up, you don't work out and the relationship's torn apart. You think it's then end of the world, but being the Bitch that you really were you went on to get attached again to a guy you barely know.

Sure, it's awesome to have a guy by your side while you try to hide the pain, and you pretty much realise thing'll never work out between you both since you're only using him as a cover-up, thus lying to yourself again. "I love you" back then was quite the common catchphrase, it seemed like everybody was going " I love you", just for the sake of it. No you didn't have to follow, but look at you back then, and I'd honestly want to have nothing to do with you.
You were pretty carried away, till one day what your bffl said to you made you stop in that hectic haste you were so caught-up in, and start to think for yourself, for the better and get a laydown on how pathetic your life has been.
At thirteen, you go for popularity, Bitching, skipping training sessions just to hang out @the malls, you neglect what your parents say, you think you're right, you act as though you were 16 then but you somehow hit a wall and realise that's not who you really are.

Months on again, it's bye to year one and you guys move on to year two. Partings and degression become a part of saying goodbye, but you're touched to tears after being through the whole of year 2006, with the greatest of friends always being there to support you. It's been that long.

Did you realise it? Maybe, perhaps, sort-of, presumably, hopefully.
Year two proved to be a great kick-start, you guys got along well, you had the friends you had the fun you got into the swing of things really quick. With competitions for volleyball and nationals all packed into your schedule, you left class early, played your heart out with the team and stood together despite Mr T. and his continuous dissing. You cried when you saw him diss the rest, you guys cheered each other on although throughout the matches the self-esteem was hitting rock-bottom. You guys lunch-ed together, played together (marco polo anyone!), laughed, had fun, even homework-ed and studied together, just so you could catch-up on whatever was going on in class. Yes, you were that close.

Then there was this whole "merging to form B girls" thing. And that's when the better were pulled out, the not-so-good (as chosen by coach) were left to recreational. You bet that hurt, yet you were somewhat relieved.

Things started going downhill weeks from then; your grandma falls really ill and everybody's at the hospital. You didn't think much of it back then (did it matter to you that she was lying there and you were having fun?), you never really did realise she was really going to die of cancer. And one day when you finally made it to the hospital, you see her lifeless body on the bed and you can't help but feel like you'd just been stabbed by a blade pierced through your heart. You start to really care by then, but when it's passed advanced there's nothing left that can be done.
And so you cry.
You cry even harder, when the text from mum came in during english period that day. It read that grandma'd left.
It was a pain to pull through the follwing weeks, it took a toll on you but you turned for the better.

Then as time passed you try to put the past behind, things got better between you and ex-b. But you hurt him time and again, after you build him up you tear him down.
Gosh weren't you a bitch, what were you doing. You left and you both became the best of friends. But things start to change again, when xxx enters your life and you decide that......
hey he's really the one who cares about me!
You should've waited, for now you've got what's really Best. {:
(❥!)

But then again, you do wrong things (yes, even at fourteen you still don't get things straight), you hurt people, you trod on some pretty-peoples' toes and they hurl words at you once again. You're no longer best friends, it's been ripped apart by this thing called Love. You want to stay friends, yet the other doesn't and so that ends a year and a half long friendship you've shared. Think it hurts?
People start judging you, the judge you from who you hang out with, who hangs out around you, what you do, who you talk to, how you look, whose side you take, who you stand up for, who you really aren't.

Friendships get really strained, they think you don't care cause you've got a million more friends. They think it's okay to leave you alone because they don't like who you're hanging out with. They think you no longer need the friendship, they think it'll be awesome for them to leave you alone. You start to think that you're really not welcome anymore, you're the bitch you're the bitch you're the bitch.
And so you choose to step away, but the memories come flooding back and by midnight you're crying out on the phone to the only other person who's always there for you. Hurts?
No, sometimes they say you hurt others but you're hurting inside too. What it feels like to be left-out and ostracised, cannot compare to what's going on inside of you. But they don'r really care, for now the world perceives you as The bad guy. Like all bad guys in most fairytales, you really don't deserve much more.
At fourteen, you're much more grown up, you don't get all emo, but instead you do what's best for you. You turn to God, you don't mingle with the people who toy with your heart and treat you as a puppet with no feelings. You decide it's really not all up to you, so you choose to go alone.
I guess that's what I'd do too, if since I were am you.

It's really about who you really are, and maybe tomorrow'll be a better day.




The best I'll ever ask for, Late night Love affair @roadside -x. ❥

Labels: Hasn't it been long.